Serenity

2012-02-15T08:20:00.000-08:00

It's so quiet here. Snow is falling softly, the heater is humming, and the dryer is quietly running in the background. I live for these moments. The house is relatively clean and I have no obligations today - I spent some time tidying up, but will now spend the rest of the day and into the evening (because Lynn has cabinet-making class) scrapping more into our albums. I haven't felt great for a couple of days, so this is a perfect way to be enormously productive without having to overextend myself. There are few things in life that I love working on so much - I'm not into family history in the traditional sense (rounding up thousands of names), but into keeping a chronological record of our family via a scrapbook format. Most people have no idea I work on this and the albums are never looked at, but some day, down the road, they will hopefully mean a great deal to someone. The B.G. is very family-oriented, so perhaps, when she gets a bit older, we can sit and learn about her relatives through pictures and memorabilia in the albums - that would be awesome. I have a very busy brain that I can never shut off - sometimes I work in silence, but sometimes I turn on a tiny t.v. I have sitting right by my scrapstation. The sounds is usually muted, so I can use the t.v. as visual wallpaper that busies part of my mind so the other part can focus on what I'm doing. I tend to get a lot more done that way, and getting a lot done is important to me. The volume of work to do is stunning, with projects, albums, and goals I have lined up, and what I've already done has consumed literally thousands of hours. No one will ever know how much has really been done. It's incredibly satisfying nevertheless (and maybe because of that). Immediate feedback isn't always necessary.

Maybe it's the same thing as dealing with things in the outside world that hurt or anger us. I used to let things like that rock my very foundation and I would be off-kilter, bawly, or seriously upset for periods of time. I'm learning more and more now to let things slide and take some satisfaction in knowing Lynn & I live the way we do for a reason. I am who I am, no apologies, I do what I do without explanation, and I never need to defend my actions, inactions, beliefs, fears, worries, or problems. I have read and heard some pretty tough things, some of them quite recently, and I've had to remind myself that I don't need to allow other people to affect me badly. Occasionally it will still happen, but overall I'm getting better at making sure other people own their own problems - I don't need to own them and shouldn't. Sometimes doing things well, quietly, under the radar, and without attention can be a bit frustrating, but there is also a certain joy in remaining steadfast. If you're on the right path there is no need for diversion. I'm not going to own other peoples' problems! It's a lesson I needed to learn a long time ago, that's for sure.

The snow continues to fall. Sometimes I'll get silly on here, or find humor in life, or be excited about an accomplishment, but today I am a bit reflective and loving the peace, serenity, and beauty of living with Lynn, enjoying our home so much, loving that I can work on what is important to me without being pressured into working outside the home, and feeling peace within myself because, finally, I am comfortable in my own skin with who I am. I can hear my footfalls as I walk around our house, the fish tank bubbles quietly, and traffic is muted because of snow on the road and decreased numbers. How lovely life is! How wonderful it is to arrive at a point where inner strength and convictions outweigh the guilt and pressure others try to heap on us! How beautiful it is to savor the small joys in life, consciously and deliberately! I am a blessed girl.

Fresh start

2012-02-14T13:27:00.000-08:00

I’ve thought about starting fresh with a blog for quite a while now, but Facebook was just so…easy. Fun. Bright. Colorful. Busy. Now, with the news of the IPS and the resulting changes, Facebook simply seems ominous, intrusive, and greedy. Enough. I’m a very private person, but I have much to say – I think I can find the balance between what I need in my personal life and what I want to put out there in public. I refuse to become a moneymaker for Facebook and have my friends spammed and advertised to according to what I “like” and click on. We can’t escape it all entirely, but this will help. I’m using Google and Gmail much less too – they’re all connected, and the more I learn about how invasive they are, with data mining and information selling going on, the more I’m determined to slow it all down as much as possible. Privacy is a thing of the past, sad to say, but there are things we can do to put the brakes on the process sometimes. We’re switching to cash almost entirely now, are working to pay off all our debt (it will take a while, but it WILL happen), cut down on mail and email coming in, making sure to stay up on the donotcall registries, and so forth. It’s just not anybody’s business what we do and how we handle our lives and finances. Granted, a blog is still somewhat public, but at least I am choosing what information to share, not someone else. Gotta fight The Man when we can.

So, life is good. Really good. I have an amazing family – four incredible kids, an equally incredible grandchild (I will refer to her as the B.G. – Beautiful Girl, henceforth – she is 3 1/2 right now), and the most amazing, perfect, handsome, funny, sexy, loving, generous, understanding husband in the history of the universe. Whatever I do, whatever I don’t do, however I mess up, whatever paths I take that may be right or wrong, he is right there with me, never judging, never criticizing, and always loving me for who I am. I’m always amazed he continues to come home at night to me. We live in the most awesome house on the planet. For me, anyway. It’s not luxurious, it needs to be remodeled, and it has it’s funky quirks, but it also has a creek in the back yard, a hot tub (bliss), mature trees, a bit of wildlife sometimes, and a rural feel even though we are close to a mid-sized city. I love it here. I LOVE IT HERE. I am more contented and joyful here than anywhere else I’ve lived in my life. I have gotten the education I hoped for and loved what I studied – I learned a stunning amount and will continue to learn for the rest of my life. I enjoy the simple pleasures each day, and I try to be mindful of them (and I’ll bring those up from time to time) – hot herbal tea first thing in the morning while poking around online, wearing comfy clothes, feeling the warmth of a fire in the fireplace, white noise that soothes me (dishwasher and washing machine), watching the cats play, an incredibly comfortable bed with tons of covers, blinds to shut if I want to close out the world, lots of scrapbook supplies so I can continue to complete our family history for years to come, music I love on my iPod and phone, order and organization, a clean sink…the list is seemingly endless.

Having said all that, life is not perfect. I have far too many pounds on me, which I struggle with physically and emotionally, every day of my life. I attempt to eat a Paleo-based diet, but have failed miserably so far. I continue to work on that. I loathe exercising – I am sedentary and quite happy with that. That has to change, sadly, as I’m determined to lose the weight and feel like a normal human being again, but…pretty sure I’m going to hate it. I struggle with a panic disorder, but am doing better now than I have been in quite some time. More on that later. I am imperfect – I’m too intense, I sometimes flounder, trying to figure out what I want and need to be when I grow up (I’ll be 50 later this year), and I’m SO private that I drive many people nuts. I have a blog about that – about introversion in general – that I’ve largely done little with, but am going to resurrect, now that I’m blogging in general again – www.introvertedlife.com. Introversion is a beautiful thing, but it is massively misunderstood and totally undervalued by society. It matters not, though – I am who I am and there you go.

What to address in this blog…I’m working on that in my mind. Probably just whatever suits me at the time. Politics, religion (specifically, my new lack of and subsequent happiness), our travels and adventures (I have a bucket list – maybe I’ll post that soon), Paleo information, my possible path to law school, weight loss struggles (and accomplishments…right? right! I think…), awesome books I’ve read you just have to read too, music I hope to perform soon, whatever. Just (as we say at home about general things, chores, etc.) – stuffity stuff. Should be an interesting ride.

Down The Wandering Path

Serenity

Fresh start